Yesterday I woke up not to the usual sunshine, Star Wars posters, and small puddle of drool on my pillow that I normally do. Instead I had a throat that felt like I spent the previous evening dining on fiberglass and a half-used roll of toilet paper to cough into that I had apparently grabbed during the night. I am not normally one who takes off work for the paltry concerns of mortal man, but with a productive cough and a killer show in Connecticut on Friday, I thought it best to play it safe.
Safe in this case meant drinking two and a half gallons of orange juice and watching the new re-re-remastered versions of Empire and Jedi. It wasn’t so much that I really wanted to see the revisionist, Hayden Christensen digitally inserted new versions of my beloved childhood, so much as I needed greater evidence in my own going debate with Scottie about who is hotter, Queen Amidala or Princess Leia.
Scottie’s arguments are pretty compelling. Padme was elected, while all evidence indicates Leia was just born and as we all know, democracy can be pretty hot. Further, Leia only dressed like a fox when held captive by the Empire or Jabba the Hutt. Amidala, in stark comparison, brought her Sunday’s best even to a friggin’ god-forsaken desert.
However, my heart will always remain with Leia and I think there’s ample reason to be found for such in Chapters V and VI. For one, confidence is a big turn-on of mine and I can’t think of anything more confident than walking in front of Jabba the Hutt after blasting through two porky guards, demanding the fucker a bend me over price for a flea ridden Wookie, and then whipping out a goddamned thermal detonator at the first sign of disagreement. And *then*, when her ruse is discovered she waits for a brief moment of reprieve and then chokes the slob that is easily twenty times her weight with the leash that bound her. Nothing like the violent overthrow of repression mixed with hot S&M. Leia is a message of democracy we can all agree is superhot.