Some folks have been asking if I’ve been sleeping. Honestly, I’ve been waiting. Waiting impatiently, hopefully, desperately like a narcolepsy patient snoozing through the cure to awaken to an existence more real. Nearly six months after American Idiot, I’ve been waiting for a record from a band I love that doesn’t suck. There have been many contenders, placed in order by which they were found hopelessly scratched off the floorboard of my Focus.
They Might Be Giants – Here Come The ABCs and The Spine
Just as TMBG gains deserved credit as an influential band only believed to have been on the fringe of the thing called early 90s rock and roll, the pair of Johns prove they can make equally shitty music for kids and grownups alike.
Weezer – Make Believe
Hey. Rivers. You *already* live in Beverly Hills. You *already* have a nice car. You can’t write poor kid songs anymore.
Reel Big Fish – We’re Not Happy ‘Til You’re Not Happy
A stellar ska band compromised by a one hit wonder decides to shoot for a record full of them. The sound you hear is the simultaneous groan of loyal fans over the dull roar of generations of influences spinning in graves.
Millencolin – Kingwood
They say Tiger Woods is a shell of what he used to be. A dried up useless husk of what formerly was raw talent driven by steely cold ambition that was the perfect golf player. I don’t know shit about golf, but I know this record sucks.
NOFX – The 7 inch of the Month Club
Fat Mike decides after the most depressing election in modern memory to not put out records, but instead force a huge drive on record player sales by releasing six songs on vinyl every month. We already know NOFX can squeeze out two minute shit ballads on a deadline, why do I need to buy a record player to find this out? At least the Giants provide their shit in easily digestable MP3 format.
REM – Around The Sun
A horrible record with the band in a blurry photograph as the cover. After three shit albums in a row, your 21st Century batting average is something like .003. Giambi is threatened with the Minor Leagues; I’m not sure it wouldn’t be a good idea to send REM to Japan to tour until they produce a record worth more than an AOL coaster. Guys, next time show up to the studio with the songs written and rehearsed.
Cake – Pressure Chief
Usually reliable, I picked this record up the day it came out. The day after it entered the back cushion of the rear seat. I didn’t see it again until Nugget picked it out of his crack after I slammed hard on the breaks on the way to Taunton a couple weeks ago.
Alkaline Trio – Crimson
Never have the hopes of so many rested in the hands of so few. I got the advance last month and I thought it was another band. I heard the single a few days later on WBRU, and realized the world was a sad, cruel joke of shattered hopes.
Jimmy Eat World – Futures
You guys really should know better.
Ben Folds – Songs For Silverman
If I was your daughter Gracie, Ben, I’d ask for an album that didn’t suck.
Rob Thomas – …Something to Be
Just kidding, we all knew this was going to blow ass.
Dave Matthews Band – Stand Up
Like a certain incident involving a waste dump and a Chicago tour boat, this record is like opening your mouth to quench the unbelievable thirst for rock, only to be betrayed in a most foul way with the inattentive press of a production room button.
As much as I would love to continue, the purpose of the month long sabbatical was not a dereliction of duty, but a self-enforced boycott of publishing until a reason to write rock and roll again showed itself from the heroes of our adolescence in rock. I’m happy to announce it was an unlikely source.
In the new release section of your favorite hole-in-the-wall music section, a girl named “Aimee” or “Lyndsy” or some other odd spelling of an otherwise common female name is going to be an innocuous blue case with a very plain, unassuming title. Haughty Melodic by Mike Doughty.
It’s okay guys. I forgot about him too. But he didn’t forget about us. And he just dropped by to wake us all the fuck up and remember what’s so amazing about buying records on the artist reputation alone.