It’s been a week since last we checked in with the Internet and how it was taking to the story of how Celine Dion fucked over my mom. The story continues to spread and the reactions continue to achieve ever higher levels of win. This week Brad from Memphis was compelled to set his convictions in poetry:

I wrote a semi-haiku about your predicament.

Celine sucks.
Sorry for your mom.
I joined your group
I think you can get 10,000 easily.

Ahmad from Silicon Valley offers a salient observation:

If my craps could write songs they would still be better than her music.

From behind enemy lines, a lurker in the batshit Celine Dion fan forums we into which we waded also weighed in:

they locked the topic so i couldn’t reply to it.
but i loved it !
it’s refreshing to read someone who knows how to write,
as opposed to someone who just sucks ass like these people.
even though i am a fan and question my sanity at times,
at least 79% of these forum reader have no life outside celine dion.
you should encourage you mom to see celine for who she is–a selfish person, not a perfect celebrity.

cheers and good luck spreading the story!
!
[p.s. you should sell the movie right to "lifetime"--i.m sure they'd make a movie about it!]

And finally, Lando from Hartford submits this protocol for your consideration:

You’re in a life raft with only one empty spot. You must choice between a poor, starving child, an old woman, a nun, and Celine Dion. Who do you choose?

Celine Dion. As soon as she boards you rupture the raft, sinking it, just to see the look on her face. The starving child, old woman, and nun all approve. Everyone dies happy.

Except for Celine Dion, of course.

—

But not all reception to the Celine-inflicted plight of my dear mom has been met with such sympathy. The vile horde of Dion fans came to the quick defense of their Horseface-in-Chief. I gave the idolators in their largest fan forum some time to mount a critical mass, patiently waiting for an opportune moment to strike. Soon basic hierarchy began to form, leaving me with the prime (d)N0t target – the Celine Dion Alpha Fanatic.

The decimating reaction to the Celine fan’s diatribe with her comments in quotations (assuming of course the fan is a her and not some tragic, emasculated dude):

Giving this nonsense a little time to coalesce, I guess you’re the leader of this little goat rodeo. Let’s get started.

It’s really unfortunate that you went to such lengths to write that statement because clearly you know nothing about Celine and haven’t even made the slightest attempt to understand her condition.

I understand exactly as much about Celine Dion’s condition as you do. Actually, perhaps more because my mom has gotten the same excuse three different times.

Celine is severely ill and your mother is not the only person on earth who was subjected to these cancellations.

Very true, but I can assure you she is the only one subjected to these cancellations that I care about.

Unfortunately for you, out of almost 720 shows that Celine performed in Las Vegas, you were subject to one of the very few that were canceled.

I’m going to introduce you to something that might be scary at first, but over time I think you will come to appreciate. It is a little thing called math.

Dion’s run in Vegas started 25 March 2003 and ended 15 December 2007. That is a total of 1,726 days. Let’s be supergenerous and give our dear Celine a month off every year because of the hard work she does. That brings our total to 1,606. Let’s also assume that the 10 federally recognized holidays in the United States were not part of that vacation time and give them to Dion as well. We are now at 1,566 calendar days or two days shy of 224 weeks. Assuming she would only do five nights a week as her contract originally stipulated, Celine has 1,120 days to fulfill her 600 show contract.

But hey, there was a contract extension and I’m clearly not a Celine Dion fan, so let’s go ahead and use your number of 720 shows as you are clearly the expert in these matters. If she could only do 720 shows in 1120 days, that gives her 400 sick days on top of the 160 vacation days over the length of her stint for a whopping 560 days of not working. That’s not just a year of calling in sick to work; for the little more than four years she was in Las Vegas, she was not performing for a year and a half of it. If one were to normalize that time over the run to maintain a constant clip without regard for holidays, her attendance constitutes the equivalent of working just a hair more than two days a week.

Let’s also remember that she was not touring and she was not recording during this period. She was in the same town singing the same songs for a fair week’s work, which at least my employer doesn’t think is too great a sacrifice to make for gainful employment. Evidently going back to one’s penthouse to sleep on huge sacks of cash money doesn’t provide the motivation to perform that fidelity to one’s fans should already deliver.

It’s not just my mom’s bad luck. Celine Dion is a goddamn slacker.

One thing the fans know about Celine is that she DOES NOT cancel shows unless she’s suffering a life/voice-threating illness.

If the math is any indication, her life must be in danger more frequently than a female character in a James Bond movie. It’s a wonder she isn’t destitute with the insurance premiums adjusted for such a hazardous lifestyle. Maybe we she have a benefit bake sale.

The fact that you want to ruin Celine for no clear apparent reason (other than that she hurt your mom’s feelings) is just pathetic; even making an account on here specifically to bash her (and get publicity for your site) is stupid.

Let’s be clear on the two points that brought me to drop this turd in your little punchbowl:

1. I am not ruining Celine Dion. I *am* telling every last person on this planet about how she fucked over my mom.
2. Hurting my mom’s feelings is a reason for wishing someone ill as apparent as the fucking *sun*. It is not something people get to do with impunity.

Put it this way, if Celine does not recover from this, there will be no more shows period.

I think my mom has already proven that most prayers go unanswered.

Since this tour began, Celine has been performing in thunderstorms, sandstorms, and the works…all while fans come from near and far to see her.

A lot of forces of nature make their way into Madison Square Garden, do they? You talk like the Taking Chances took her to Afghanistan instead of the ARCO Arena. Yes, when you go to Dubai it gets dusty. Yes, when you go to Dublin it rains. And yes, ever so often you get a little head cold that makes your voice a little scratchy. But with some antibiotics, Vitamin C, and some transposition, it is nothing that a professional singer can’t work through, say, 80% of the time. She is not strapping on a flak jacket to sing to troops in Fallujah; she is going to places where a million people have seemed to be able to sing a million times. It is not unreasonable for her to cancel; it is unreasonable for her to cancel with this level of frequency. What this woman is doing is not representative of the good faith effort of a working musician.

Let’s go ahead and try to make something productive out of this. All you folks seem so worked up and injured you totally missed the fundamental thesis:

Celine Dion fucked over my mom three times so I am going to tell everyone on this Earth about it.

That’s not even remotely a threat. As a matter of fact, I am doing it right now. This thread has been at the top of your English forum for nearly two weeks now. Each of you who took the time to respond to it only serve to escalate its popularity in this tiny pocket of Celine’s fanbase. The same thing is happening on MySpace and Facebook and Yahoo and the several dozen other places this letter has been released. You have probably told some other people this story yourselves. Thanks!

I’m going to tell everyone that lives this story. And with your help, I’m well on my way already.

» You can leave a comment, or trackback from your own site.