It began about a week ago. At weird times of the day with even weirder messages, mysterious strangers would raise me on Yahoo IM. Their handles were unfamiliar; their styles unrecognizable from the unspeakable terrors that constitute my circle of writers. Their introductions were harmless, but these were strangers and this was the Internet.

Something was up. Something fishy.

(11:39:00 PM) gainfullyemployedsalmon: I think you’re beautiful! (11:39:17 PM) Rob Spectre: That’s kind of you to say. (11:41:17 PM) gainfullyemployedsalmon: (auto-response from re4s0n4) I’m not here right now (11:41:30 PM) Rob Spectre: Good to know.

They would pop in, say something cryptic and vanish without a trace. They were like ninjas – ninjas of nigiri with a spicy batshit sauce.

(10:57:22 AM) panickingsalmon: Have you ever been to a circus where there was a seal? (12:18:38 AM) Rob Spectre: Shit yes.

Every one of them had “salmon” in their name and every one of them had something loony to say. Finally I was able to get one of these sharky bastards to respond.

(11:30:58 AM) panickingsalmon: ?
(11:31:57 AM) Rob Spectre: I’ve been getting weird IMs from you salmon all week.
(11:39:25 AM) panickingsalmon: who is this?
(11:39:30 AM) Rob Spectre: Who is this?
(11:39:51 AM) panickingsalmon: who is this?
(11:39:53 AM) Rob Spectre: The whole salmon clan has me on speed dial this week.
(11:40:08 AM) Rob Spectre: Gainfully employed salmon…
(11:40:16 AM) Rob Spectre: Out of Work salmon…
(11:41:04 AM) Rob Spectre: I’m ready for unsolicited IM from Swing Shift Steel Worker Salmon and Paramutuel Bookmaking Salmon next.
(11:41:33 AM) panickingsalmon: seriously, who is this?
(11:41:47 AM) Rob Spectre: I have no idea who you guys are.
(11:41:53 AM) Rob Spectre: I started getting IM from you first.
(11:42:04 AM) panickingsalmon: no…first one was from you?
(11:42:10 AM) panickingsalmon: i haven’t sent you anything
(11:43:20 AM) Rob Spectre: The Internet disagrees with your assertion.
(11:56:08 AM) panickingsalmon: well…obviously, it’s not me…so you can stop with the ridiculous im’s
(11:56:53 AM) Rob Spectre: You can stop with the gratuitous use of ellipse.
(11:57:08 AM) Rob Spectre: I want my chat logs to be rated G, thank you.
(11:57:21 AM) panickingsalmon: who is this?
(11:57:39 AM) Rob Spectre: Like I’m going to tell a punctuation pervert.
(11:57:49 AM) Rob Spectre: Keep your commas to yourself.
(12:05:16 PM) panickingsalmon: who is this?
(12:05:29 PM) Rob Spectre: who is this?
(12:05:42 PM) panickingsalmon: i asked you first
(12:06:06 PM) Rob Spectre: I rolled a 20 on initiative.

This catch wasn’t coming into the boat.  I needed answers and I needed them fast.  Fortunately, this gang of fools had a deep bench.  I would finally have a salmon that would speak of his kind’s mysterious trade.

(09:16:16 PM) paradoxicalsalmon: I’m baking brownies!
(09:16:24 PM) Rob Spectre: Jesus lord.
(09:16:34 PM) Rob Spectre: Salmon person has returned.
(09:16:46 PM) paradoxicalsalmon: Vampire Salmon?
(09:17:06 PM) paradoxicalsalmon: weird
(09:17:21 PM) Rob Spectre: Is this a vast salmon conspiracy of which I am the unwitting victim?
(09:18:01 PM) Rob Spectre: Have I wronged some more maiden in spawn?  Thwarted her suicidal procreatal mission?
(09:18:04 PM) paradoxicalsalmon: O.o
(09:18:16 PM) Rob Spectre: Answers.  I demand them.
(09:18:45 PM) paradoxicalsalmon: um.. yea?
(09:19:39 PM) Rob Spectre: Yes.  Immediately.
(09:20:10 PM) paradoxicalsalmon: http://community.livejournal.com/themissinghat/479963.html
(09:20:26 PM) paradoxicalsalmon: What is mausoleum?
(09:21:25 PM) Rob Spectre: This is madness.
(09:21:49 PM) paradoxicalsalmon: Madness verily!
(09:23:10 PM) paradoxicalsalmon: Hello?
(09:23:21 PM) paradoxicalsalmon: Still thither, fishy friend?
(09:23:22 PM) Rob Spectre: Processing.
(09:24:37 PM) paradoxicalsalmon: We are waiting.
(09:25:00 PM) Rob Spectre: I am not at all convinced this is harmless.
(09:25:06 PM) Rob Spectre: Something is afoot I tell you.
(09:25:09 PM) Rob Spectre: Something fishy.
(09:25:55 PM) paradoxicalsalmon: Mackerel!
(09:27:00 PM) paradoxicalsalmon: Tilapia perhaps?
(09:27:02 PM) Rob Spectre: So what is next?  Now that your intent is clear?
(09:27:25 PM) paradoxicalsalmon: How about Tuna?
(09:27:39 PM) paradoxicalsalmon: Or maybe Eel. WE just had nigiri the other day
(09:27:46 PM) paradoxicalsalmon: It was delicious
(09:30:25 PM) paradoxicalsalmon: Art thou a bot?
(09:30:35 PM) Rob Spectre: I’m all man, baby.
(09:31:00 PM) paradoxicalsalmon: What?
(09:32:12 PM) paradoxicalsalmon: Who made you?
(09:32:42 PM) Rob Spectre: A couple crazy kids with too much time on their hands.
(09:33:27 PM) paradoxicalsalmon: how much time?
(09:33:50 PM) Rob Spectre: Depends on which one you ask.
(09:34:41 PM) paradoxicalsalmon: So what is your purpose?
(09:35:34 PM) Rob Spectre: That’s none of your business, young lady.
(09:36:59 PM) paradoxicalsalmon: What makes you think We are a lady?
(09:37:30 PM) Rob Spectre: Because if you were a real man, you’d be swimming upstream right now.

At last, I uncovered their conspiracy.  I had been salmoned.

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