I heart Carol Bartz.  I wonder if she, in turn, hearts me?

Ever since last year’s high profile deal with Microsoft very publicly disintegrated, Yahoo has been the Internet’s favorite slow motion trainwreck.  The high profile and high temperature dethroning of Jerry Yang added steam to the engine, making the aftermath for former Autodesk CEO Bartz one that is monitored by every corner of the online business world.

With the attention comes criticism, as is the way of our fair Internet.  They’ve said disparaging things of my foul-mouthed sweetheart.  They’ve said she is asking the impossible, is much too coarse, and is too new to the web to yet be credible.  And now these naysayers have taken to telling her how to do her job.

In reaction to Times PR writer Jack Flack, MySpace CEO Chris DeWolfe, and the millions watching anxiously for you to fail Carol, I offer this valentine.  If you like me back, please check yes or no.

1) Do NOT Watch Your Friggin’ Mouth

The tech blogosphere suggests your profanity is unbecoming and comes off even as Palin-esque.  Paul Pendergrass says the moxie loses its charm the second it leaves the conference room and will ultimately hinder a Microsoft deal.  Fuck that noise.

Yahoo is in desperate need of shock and awe; language is a perfectly suitable weapon to achieve that end.  Even after the grotesquely public layoffs and heat of your last earnings call, rank-and-file Yahoos don’t get the precarious position of your company. The only way they will is if someone pops the “bleeding purple” mythology.

A tough minded, cost conscious leader with a tongue well-equipped to cut the bullshit is exactly the right medicine for exactly the right patient at exactly the right time.

2) Hang the Snitches

Much has been made on Silicon Valley Insider and Valleywag about your disdain for the leaked memos coming out of Yahoo.  They say getting upset doesn’t do anything and the leaks will never be stopped.  Fuck that noise.

The Google executive team is not leaking strategy memos.  The Microsoft executive team is not leaking strategy memos.  Even as Lehman Brothers was going down, one did not see minutes from every meeting plastered on Dealbook.

You’ve got a serious loyalty problem and it is debilitating to the business.  Suggesting that stopping it will force the creation of a police state is presenting a false dichotomy.  The inability of Yahoo to keep anything secret is absolutely killing your competitiveness and if it takes public crucifixion to end it, I’ll bring the timber.

3) Worry About The Details

Yahoo has an execution problem.  It’s initiatives in every core business – search, advertising, media – have a higher profile, smaller competitor with a technological advantage.

Some suggest you need to stay at 40,000 feet, but Yahoo’s nose dive is not going to be solved by pretending its at cruising altitude.  A basic strategy of production and seeing it through to revenue is what is needed here, and no one in that organization is currently paying attention to that.

The only way these people are going to stop looking at what is nifty and start looking at what is lucrative is if you shove their heads through the right windows.

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The board of directors knew exactly what they were doing when they brought you aboard Carol.  They, like me, saw that in order for this baby to grow up, one tough mama was going to have to spike it from crib’s height a couple times.

With each bounce you will win over the hearts of the backwards minded.  Until then, hopefully my heart will be enough, for you had it at WTF.

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