It’s not your imagination.  Planet Earth is pissed. In the last two months, the world has suffered five earthquakes over 5.0 magnitude, including the horrific earthquake in central Italy, a 7.7 dangerously shallow quake off the coast of Tonga, and a 7.2 magnitude whopper near Indonesia.  Just last night a 6.9 temblor struck between Russia and Japan, making many wonder if a greater, catastrophic seismic event is on the horizon.

With such concern over earthquake activity shaking up the entire globe, your gonzo crew is quick to provide the information you need to keep you safe in these tectonically troubled times.  No one knows earthquake safety like us.  Here are five surefire tips guaranteed to help you survive the Big One when it surely comes.

1) Order of Execution is Key

When an earthquake occurs, the prepared survivor has only seconds to achieve several critical objectives.  Securing one’s disaster supplies, identifying closest exits, reaching strong cover such as a door way or retrofitted support, covering one’s head, and violently shitting one’s pants are only some of the things needed immediately once the shaking starts.  The order that the survivors selects to do each can mean the difference between life and death.

2) Get To Know Your Local Homeless

When life is disaster free, the homeless can be mild interruptions to the normal operation of one’s day.  When a city or town is reduced to square miles of rubble and shattered lives, they are subject matter experts.

The bum you tell to go fuck himself today could be John Connor tomorrow.  They know more about sleeping outside, locating aid services and avoiding death in lawless urban hellscapes than you do.  Having a few homeless people on a first name basis is going to seem pretty prescient when everyone in town joins their ranks.

3) Don’t Live In California

With a fault-line map strongly resembling Joan Rivers’ legs, your actuarial odds of dying in an Earthquake can benefit greatly by not fucking living where they happen.  The Bay Area has had three noticeable quakes just in the last 45 days.  The expected arrival for the disaster of the century having passed three years ago aside, just biblically California has got something seriously Gomorran coming to it.

Unrelated, property investments on the Western borders of Nevada and Arizona may about to see a surge in value.

4) Use Twitter

Seriously.  That shit works.

5) Develop a High Pitched, Hundred Decibel Snore

When every building is a tangled mass of concrete blocks and twisted rebar, getting noticed beyond the pile of destruction that was once your home or place of work is essential.  Many recommend packing a loud battery-powered soundmaker to attract the attention of rescuers sifting through the rubble.  Unfortunately, rescue can take days, especially in areas of dense population.  This is why the savvy survivor has already developed a signal that can be heard for miles that runs on a resource renewable so long as you are alive: sleep.

A snore useful after the Big One must be carefully trained and can set off car alarms several blocks away and, when appropriately focused, strip paint.  When buying a home or renting apartment, be sure to check neighborhood covenants and lease agreements to allow room for rehearsal.

An awful snore could save your life.

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