Jesus, these people are crazy.  In a rare burst of coordination by a decimated American right-wing, the headlines this week have been filled with the synchronized protesting across the nation as the Congress in recess holds town halls to get constituent input on healthcare reform.  Small but extremely vocal protest groups are assembling at dozens of healthcare meetings, disrupting proceedings with angry shouting and unruly behavior.

A Congressman was reportedly chased to his car in the heat of one such meeting.  The Democrats have accused Republicans of inciting mobs.  The protests have gotten so angry that even the RNC is beginning to distance themselves from the protesters.

And as the playbooks for this manufactured dissent begins to hit the Internet, it is clear that these jackholes don’t know what they are doing.  In their zeal for presentation, they are damaging their cause, turning into a serious concern for the condition of America’s healthcare system into a circus usually assigned to the abortion crowd.

Republicans have been in power for so long they’ve forgotten how to protest effectively.  Now in a helpless minority and driven mad with meglomanic lust, their inexperience in the fine art of public demonstration is harming their efforts.  Having logged no small measure of time rallying against huge, immovable enemies, the crew here at (d)N0t are extending an olive branch to the batshit crazies trying to kill Obama’s healthcare initiative.

For all the teabaggers, birthers, and other batshit Republicans looking to insert forcibly their two cents in this debate, here’s a helpful guide to protesting correctly.

1) Pick the high ground.

In matters of war, where the battle occurs is as important as the battle itself, and not something to be left to the enemy.  These healthcare protests seem to invariably involve a bunch of people in the back of the room or in the middle of a mass, putting a sea of hats, heads, and hands in between cameras and themselves.

If you’re a small group disrupting a setting like a town hall, aim for the bleacher seats near the press pit.  You stand a better shot of being the lead photo by making the editor choose between a shot of a Congressman waiting patiently to a clear, full frame portrait of you delivering your point vehemently.

2) Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse.

The microphone is in your hand.  Your friends are right behind you.  The politician is waiting for your question.  Everyone in the packed hall is staring at you.  In the heat of the moment, it is really easy to let your train of thought leave the tracks and crash the local stop at Failville.

Rehearse what you’re going to say the night before the big day.  If you end up going viral on YouTube, you’re going to want to sound as not crazy as possible.

3) Volume does not compensate for size.

Getting louder to compensate for a small crowd hurts your demonstrations more than it helps it.  A thousand protesters shouting at the top of their lungs look like activists.  A dozen protesters shouting at the top of their lungs look like douchebags.

4) First one to Nazi loses.

Regardless of the context, the perceived trespass or the stakes of the issue at hand, in the combat of messaging the first party to compare his enemy to the Third Reich loses. Allegations of fascism, socialism, communism, nihilism, commercialism, racism, and despotism can all be powerful with the right presentation.  Allegations of nazism cannot.  Calling your enemy Hitler is a willful public concession of your own psychosis.

Socialized medicine is not Nazi Germany. The war in Iraq is not Nazi Germany.  The bank and auto bailouts are not Nazi Germany.  The analogy just doesn’t work, people.

5) Dress to impress.

I see another deuce-and-a-half in a faded polo two sizes to small squating while he shouts at a Congressman and I’m going to recommend to Democratic strategists that the fastest way to neutralize these town hall protests is to bring donuts.

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