Editor’s Note: Just when you thought the saga between guest (d)N0t writer Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry and the Craig’s List scammer he was trying to woo was over, Kingry provides this dispatch from the edges of the Internet’s hell.  Thanks to Google’s automatic integration of gTalk contacts and Gmail recipients, Kingry caught the shadowy “Mary Scott” online as “she” undoubtedly logged in to ply her illegal trade.  Kingry got to have a real-time conversation with his would-be swindler, resulting in this hilarious transcript.

Funny, her IM communication skills seem a little less sharp than her urban professional picture would suggest.

(04:03:22 PM)Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: MARY SCOTT
(04:03:31 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: WHY WON’T YOU SPEEK TO ME?
(04:03:46 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I HAVE AN EXTRA $2000 I NEED TO WIRE YOU FOR THIS BICYCLE
(04:03:53 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: YOU GAVE ME TOO MUCH MONIES
(04:04:24 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: PAK CHOOIE CHOMP
(04:04:38 PM) mary scott: how are you today
(04:04:42 PM)Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: hello
(04:04:48 PM) mary scott: hi
(04:04:57 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: hey
(04:05:11 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: so where should I send this money for the Anus Ghost?
(04:05:23 PM) mary scott: where have you been so far
(04:05:34 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: Can I ask you a question Mary Scott?
(04:05:55 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: please… pretty please
(04:06:43 PM) mary scott: you are welcome
(04:07:07 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: Do you believe in unicorns?
(04:07:51 PM) mary scott: yes i and why are yuo asking
(04:08:13 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I want to ride a unicorn while I make love to you Mary Scott
(04:08:38 PM) mary scott: uuum you dont even know me
(04:08:53 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: but our email correspondence
(04:08:59 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: they were so lovely
(04:09:41 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: you told me how much you wanted the Anus Ghost, and how my middle name “The Conqueror” was so beautiful…
(04:10:39 PM) mary scott: yes i do but you still have my money with you
(04:10:55 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: Mary Scott, let us use this money to let you come to me
(04:11:15 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: let us ride atop a unicorn and whisper poetry into one another’s ears
(04:12:11 PM) mary scott: yes the shipper needs the money so that the ghost can be picked up
(04:12:28 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: can we not take the money and have you come here?
(04:12:38 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: then we can ride the Anus Ghost together
(04:12:50 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: let me hear you whisper “Anus Ghost”
(04:13:12 PM) mary scott: well i need some time
(04:13:18 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: time? For what?
(04:13:21 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I LOVE YOU
(04:13:49 PM) mary scott: well this is strange to me
(04:13:56 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: how is this strange
(04:14:05 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: you are a beautiful woman Mary Scott
(04:14:25 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: and I am a man in possession of an Anus Ghost
(04:14:31 PM) mary scott: i need to have this money
(04:14:37 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I need you Mary Scott
(04:15:46 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: Can I just get one little tidbit of love from you?
(04:15:54 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: my heart is aching
(04:17:26 PM) mary scott: do you have a printer,scanner,typewriter and a computer
(04:17:37 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: yes, my love, I have all of these things
(04:17:52 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: send me a picture of you cooking a pot roast while you wear a unicorn costume
(04:18:09 PM) mary scott: can we be serious now
(04:18:24 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I am serious
(04:18:35 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: seriously head over heels for you
(04:18:56 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: let us forget this bicycle nonsense and talk of how we will build a house in the sky
(04:19:34 PM) mary scott: okay sure but i need this money
(04:19:46 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: Do you realize how much crack cocaine this money will buy us?
(04:19:56 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: like we can get high as balls
(04:20:39 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: Do you own a time machine Mary Scott?
(04:21:01 PM) mary scott: you smoke crack
(04:21:18 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: alllllll t he damn time. Liek 4 REALZ
(04:21:58 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: Me and Rick Sanchez be gettin’ buck wild like ev’ry singl e day.
(04:22:44 PM) mary scott: well seems not serious
(04:22:50 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: Tell me how much you want this money.
(04:23:08 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: Convince me to not spend it on another woman.
(04:23:51 PM) mary scott: i am begging you not to spend it and help me to send it cos it i the only thing delaying my arrival
(04:24:07 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: Give me your address Mary Scott
(04:24:24 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I will fly out to you one a pegacorn whist I smoketh my crack
(04:24:33 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I will reach down, grasp your hand
(04:24:38 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: pull you into the clouds
(04:24:46 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: we will soar into the sun itself
(04:24:56 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: brilliant BOOM EXPLOSIONS
(04:25:36 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: Tell me… tell me how much you want this money.
(04:26:02 PM) mary scott: i want it sent out and can you just be serious pls
(04:26:11 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: ok, I am totally serious now
(04:26:16 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: give me your address
(04:26:36 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I’ll put this cash in an envelope and send it right away via courier
(04:26:58 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: it should be on your doorstep in no less than 3.1459151 hours
(04:27:26 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: You know what is super awesome?
(04:27:37 PM) mary scott: well i will be glad if you can send it by western union
(04:27:38 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: Riding a killer whale while eating a moon pie.
(04:27:48 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I’m super serious about that.
(04:27:56 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: Western Union?
(04:28:00 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: What is that?
(04:28:04 PM) mary scott: yes
(04:28:35 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: Can you send me another photo of you?
(04:28:51 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: and maybe a lock of your hair… and some toe nail clippings?
(04:29:11 PM) mary scott: sure and i am getting pissed now
(04:29:16 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: wait
(04:29:27 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: you’re going to send me another picture?

(04:29:30 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: <3
(04:30:35 PM) mary scott: i am pissed now
(04:30:39 PM) mary scott: u hurt me
(04:30:47 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: Mary Scott
(04:30:50 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I am sorry
(04:30:55 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: let us get serious now
(04:31:05 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: down to business, in our business socks
(04:31:47 PM) mary scott: i dont wanna play pranks
(04:31:56 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: Tell me about this “Western Union”.
(04:32:09 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: no pranks, only business
(04:32:15 PM) mary scott: okay
(04:32:52 PM) mary scott: you will take the $2000 cash to a nearby western union location and have the money sent today
(04:33:06 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: where is the “Western Union”
(04:33:30 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I don’t own a car, so it has to be close by.
(04:33:50 PM) mary scott: i will help you to find the nearest location
(04:33:53 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: ok
(04:34:19 PM) mary scott: where are you now so that i can know the location nearer to you
(04:34:33 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW Washington, DC 20500
(04:35:04 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I’m hangin’ with my boy Barack right now
(04:35:13 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: but I have the money with me
(04:35:43 PM) mary scott: okay hold it while i find you a location
(04:36:48 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: are you still there?
(04:37:03 PM) mary scott: yes i am waiting for you
(04:37:14 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: waiting for me?
(04:37:20 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: waiting for me to do what?
(04:37:52 PM) mary scott: but this is you address 1088 Victory Drive, Atlanta, GA 30310
(04:38:02 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: yes, I am not at home right now
(04:38:10 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I am visiting a friend
(04:38:41 PM) mary scott: okay so you will send the mooney from there
(04:38:43 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: yes
(04:39:08 PM) mary scott: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW Washington, DC 20500 is this the address of your friend
(04:39:17 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: yes, my boy Barack
(04:39:31 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: we play some hoops from time to time
(04:39:32 PM) mary scott: okay
(04:39:54 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: lil’ Baracky O we all him
(04:39:57 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: mad skills
(04:40:22 PM) mary scott: okay good so you love game
(04:40:35 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: yes, I love games
(04:41:11 PM) mary scott: me too but i love to play chess
(04:41:18 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: chess?
(04:41:38 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: does our relationship play like a game of chess to you Mary Scott?
(04:41:55 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: cause this king is totally gonna take your queen.
(04:42:02 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: t.C.
(04:42:09 PM) mary scott: lol
(04:42:15 PM) mary scott: are you sure
(04:42:26 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I am totally sure.
(04:42:34 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: liek 4 serious.
(04:42:45 PM) mary scott: okay i have found you some location of western union
(04:42:48 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: cool
(04:43:06 PM) mary scott: TRAVELEX CURRENCY #7291
701 15TH ST NW
Washington, DC 20005-2118
(04:43:12 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: oh snap
(04:43:17 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: that’s like next door
(04:43:29 PM) mary scott: okay very close
(04:43:48 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: so just put your name on the envelope and then send it via the teleporter?
(04:44:56 PM) mary scott: you will give them the cash at the counter and i will give you the name and address of the receiver
(04:45:00 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: ok
(04:45:21 PM) ***Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry is going to travel to this address secretly and appear to Mary Scott with flowers
(04:46:47 PM) mary scott: do you have a pen so that i can give you the information to send it to
(04:46:54 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: yes
(04:46:58 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: go ahead
(04:47:12 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I will prick my finger and write with the body’s wine
(04:47:36 PM) mary scott: what are you saying again
(04:47:50 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: do you want me to write this stuff down or not?
(04:48:01 PM) mary scott: yes write it down
(04:48:07 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: ok, go ahead
(04:48:14 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I’m getting light headed over here
(04:48:55 PM) mary scott: Name : Della Argent
(04:49:11 PM) mary scott: address: 14321 Yale Avenue
(04:49:13 PM) mary scott: City : Roscoe
(04:49:19 PM) mary scott: State : NY
(04:49:26 PM) mary scott: Zip code : 12776
(04:49:50 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I have family in Roscoe
(04:49:55 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: My aunt Della
(04:49:57 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: wait!
(04:50:07 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: how am I sending money to my own aunt?
(04:50:24 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: are you playing a game of chess with me Mary Scott?
(04:50:40 PM) mary scott: i got you now
(04:50:59 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: oh, but I have your money!
(04:51:32 PM) mary scott: i need the money to but a ticket so that i can arrive
(04:52:21 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: wait, so me get this straight… I give this money to my aunt… she gives it to you… you buy a ticket… then you fly here… we make love on the back of a unicorn…
(04:52:34 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: play a game of chess or two
(04:52:47 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: fly to the clouds, smoke some crack, yada yada
(04:52:56 PM) mary scott: so can you go ahead and have the money sent
(04:53:01 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: is all of this correct?
(04:53:19 PM) mary scott: yes the name and address
(04:53:28 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: yeah, of my Aunt Della
(04:53:35 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: lil’ Aunty D I call her
(04:53:59 PM) mary scott: okay lovel
(04:54:19 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: so when can I expect to receive the money from you?
(04:54:35 PM) mary scott: as soon as i arrive
(04:54:38 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: nice!
(04:54:45 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: when is that again?
(04:55:06 PM) mary scott: and it should be friday
(04:55:59 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: Friday gonna get HIGGGHHH AS A KITE BY THEN.
(04:56:24 PM) mary scott: and i will need the western union details on the transfer slip so that i will know you have sent it
(04:56:29 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: ok
(04:56:41 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I will head out right away and let you know when the money is sent.
(04:57:07 PM) mary scott: in how many minutes should i expect it
(04:58:32 PM) mary scott: are you there
(05:04:10 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: hey
(05:04:13 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: omg
(05:04:28 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: there was a guy selling hot dogs on the street corner
(05:04:38 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: dollar a piece
(05:04:45 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I just bought 2000 of them
(05:05:09 PM) mary scott: seems you playing me
(05:05:47 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: haha
(05:05:51 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: just kidding
(05:06:01 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I haven’t gone to the Western Union yet
(05:06:14 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: me and B have been talking to China on the video conference
(05:06:27 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: are you sure the address to the Western Union isn’t: 489 Horton Brook Rd.  Roscoe, NY 12776
(05:07:18 PM) mary scott: what do you mean again
(05:07:31 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: where I should send the money
(05:07:34 PM) mary scott: are you sending it or just playing me..let me know
(05:07:39 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I am sending it
(05:07:49 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I want to send it to: Della Argent, 489 Horton Brook Rd.  Roscoe, NY 12776
(05:08:26 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: or I could send it to: Della Argent, 14321 Yale Avenue, Roscoe, NY 12776
(05:08:56 PM) mary scott: this is the correct address;it is Name : Della Argent
address: 14321 Yale Avenue
City : Roscoe
State : NY
Zip code : 12776
(05:08:58 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: or to: Della Argent, 623 Old street ave. Roscoe, New York 12776
(05:09:27 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: Who is Della and why am I not sending it to you Mary Scott?
(05:09:45 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: and why was the check you sent me not in Euros like I requested?
(05:10:09 PM) mary scott: oh sorry abt that i forgot
(05:10:26 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: cause it was really tough getting the money changed to Euros
(05:10:41 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: lucky for me Barack belongs to a secret banking cabal
(05:11:00 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: and these Euro coins weigh like a lot
(05:11:12 PM) mary scott: i am sorry for what i put you through
(05:11:28 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: you know what would make me feel better Mary Scott?
(05:11:42 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: if you typed the words “Anus Ghost” and sent them to me.
(05:12:07 PM) mary scott: what do you mean
(05:12:21 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: just type the words “Anus Ghost” and hit enter
(05:12:36 PM) mary scott: anus ghost
(05:12:41 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: then I will send this money drawn from the Bonertown Bank right away
(05:12:43 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: omg
(05:12:46 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: so hot
(05:13:13 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: you listen to any Mastodon Mary Scott?
(05:13:22 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: WHITE WHALE, HOLY GRAIL
(05:14:49 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: btw, who is Della and why am I not sending the money directly to you Mary Scott?
(05:15:46 PM) mary scott: della will help with all that needs to be arranged for my arrival
(05:15:53 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: is she hot?
(05:16:08 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: like your sister or something?
(05:16:34 PM) mary scott: a childhood friend
(05:16:42 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: OMG so h igh on crack right now.
(05:16:59 PM) mary scott: and she handles most of my finances
(05:17:04 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: wait
(05:17:17 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: my aunt is your childhood friend?
(05:17:22 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: where did you go to school?
(05:17:54 PM) mary scott: all this question socks me
(05:18:06 PM) mary scott: seems i will just leave you alone
(05:18:12 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: no, I have your money
(05:18:47 PM) mary scott: or probably i contact the authority
(05:19:02 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: really?
(05:19:09 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: the authority on LOVE
(05:19:25 PM) mary scott: this is too much for me to bear
(05:19:35 PM) mary scott: do you know what i am going through now
(05:19:41 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: no, please tell me
(05:19:58 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I love you, and want to hear about your problems… b/c I care.
(05:20:12 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: Hold on, getting some snacks.
(05:20:58 PM) mary scott: lets put this straight..western union will soon close so the earlier the better for me
(05:20:59 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: ok, back
(05:21:13 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: these cheeto’s are the bizzomb
(05:21:25 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: you ever had cheeto’s?
(05:21:51 PM) mary scott: ets put this straight..western union will soon close so the earlier the better for me
(05:22:03 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: Mary Scott… level with me… does your heart fart for mine like mine farts for yours?
(05:22:24 PM) mary scott: sure
(05:22:29 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: really?
(05:22:52 PM) mary scott: and you can only make me happy if you have the money sent so that i can arrive without delay
(05:23:12 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: let me hear you say “Oasis was the best British band since the Beatles”
(05:23:19 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: type that out and hit return
(05:23:33 PM) mary scott: Oasis was the best British band since the Beatles
(05:23:49 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: ok, on my way to Roscoe, NY with your money
(05:24:10 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: Baracky O say we can do a halo drop from ERR FERCE ONE.
(05:24:41 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: You like metal dudes Mary Scott?
(05:25:45 PM) mary scott: i dont wanna talk again
(05:26:28 PM) mary scott: you make me sick
(05:27:07 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: yes
(05:27:36 PM) mary scott: i expect you to have gone to western union
(05:27:52 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: wait
(05:27:58 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: how did I make you sick?
(05:28:02 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: tell me how?
(05:29:11 PM) mary scott: with all this conservation..it makes no sense to me
(05:29:40 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: Our love doesn’t need to make sense Mary Scott
(05:31:16 PM) mary scott: are you going now or..i have somethings to attend to
(05:31:26 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: yes I am going right now
(05:31:35 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I will contact you with the details when I return
(05:32:00 PM) mary scott: in how many minutes
(05:32:10 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: as soon as you let me leave
(05:32:15 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: dayum gurl, you be needy
(05:32:45 PM) Seth “The Conquerer” Kingry: I swear, when I get back, you’d better be cooking a pot roast
(05:33:38 PM) mary scott: okay so i will await your email for the western union details

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