Microsoft’s stock jumped today on better-than-expected earnings and the promise of Windows 7, the latest revision of the software giant’s flagship product.  Allegedly sleeker, faster and better than its oft-maligned predecessor, Windows 7 is supposed to be Microsoft’s return to form, the solid release needed after the cyclical once-in-a-decade clusterfuck that was Windows Vista the company seems to need to wake itself up.

The reviews thus far from the technology press have been glowing, though solidly couched in the admission that the last three years of Vista have been pretty terrible.  A ton of folks on Twitter have been asking for our gonzo take, so your intrepid (d)N0t editor set out to snag the release on launch day.

And after three goddamn hours, two beers, four aspirin and a broken Enter key I’d love to tell you what Windows 7 is like, but I wouldn’t know because I can’t install the motherfucker.

But I can sure tell you what buying this warm turd was like.

I rolled into Frisco’s dork outlet Central Computers at the crack of noon to snag a copy, expecting a Microsoft marketing-fueled fiesta with balloons, crap techno and complimentary strippers and blow for the first 50 customers.   Accustomed to the usual PR bender Microsoft goes on for its releases, I was surprised to see… nothing.

The only external signal indicating that Windows 7 was even launching that day was a 8×11 white sheet of paper taped to the door with a Windows 7 logo printed on a clearly entry-level  inkjet printer.  At least at this store (which is the customary first stop for early adopters in San Francisco), it didn’t seem like Windows 7 was launching to a ravenous horde of hungry consumers.

It seemed like Thursday.

Once inside I stepped up to the counter and asked a gentleman in a company-issued polo and stringy Asian facial hair for my copy.

“What version do you want?” he asked.

“What versions do you have?”

“Uh…” he stammered like an unprepared freshman at a pop quiz.  “I know there’s an ‘Ultimate’.”

“Ultimate!” I exclaimed.  “Well that sounds like an operating system just awesome enough for me.  What are Ultimate’s features compared to other versions?”

“Um.  Encryption?”

“Are you asking me or are you telling me?”

“I think it has encryption.”

“I already have plenty of encryption.  I got that part of my life handled.”

“Well, this has encryption built-in.”

“Built-in to what?”

“Built-in to the operating system.”

“Wouldn’t I want the operating system to be encrypted as well?”

“Windows 7 has encryption built-in,” he repeated.

“I got that part, chief,” I retorted.  “I’m telling you I have hardware encryption on my laptop.  It’s faster and it encrypts the operating system as well.  I’m set on encryption – what else does Windows 7 have?”

That’s about when he tried to find some marketing collateral.

After twenty minutes of squirreling about and getting no fewer than five of his colleagues huddled around a web browser, I had enough of a sense of the distinct Windows flavors to make a purchasing decision.  Though I’ve been strictly Linux on my desktop for the past five years, I do use Windows for its tablet functionality.  As a compulsive note-taker and writer, I’ve come to rely on Microsoft’s best-of-breed handwriting recognition and integration with their superior OneNote software.

For this peripheral use case, I needed Windows Professional, which I indicated to the salesman to produce with all available speed.  He had “to go to the back” in order to find a copy and when he returned, he slid a white OEM copy towards me.

“Hey dude, this is OEM,” I said.

“This is full Windows version,” he replied, trying to assuage my concern.

“Yes, but it is OEM.  This is for new system builds.  I’m purchasing an upgrade for my laptop.”

He stared at me blankly for a few moments before consulting case.  “This is full version of Windows.”

“I know buddy, but it is for new systems only.”

“Why do you say that?”

“The gigantic fucking label with big red letter on the front,” I snapped, pointing at the obvious front of the disc.

It was about that time that the transaction started to take a downturn.

Turned out they didn’t have the retail upgrade disc.  They didn’t have a launch kit.  They, as near as I could tell, were only dimly aware that Windows 7 even existed.

I eventually got my hands on a copy at Best Buy, but even in a retail giant similar in size to Microsoft the experience was underwhelming.  Sales staff also had little clue as to the differences in Windows flavors and there was a conspicuous absence of early adopting customers.  A news correspondent for the local news station commented as she stood arms-crossed in front of the computer counter.

“If more people don’t show up in the next 30 minutes, we’re leaving.”

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