Got a new equation for all your mathematics buffs out there: crushed red peppers + salsa + eggs / Mountain Dew = weapon of mass destruction. I currently have sitting in my large intestine a biochemical agent so fierce and unbelievably effective that I’m thanking my lucky stars that I’m not an Arab, lest I would have been arrested and shipped to Camp X-Ray immediately. It is a gastrointestinal creation that deserves a one, perhaps two color upgrade on the national threat color chart. Folks, we have an orange level event coming out of my ass.

Honestly, I’m surprised the human body can even produce something so vile. Though, I suppose garbage in, garbage out. I just wish that the entire city didn’t have to suffer for my nutritional sins.

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